Well, she’s probably scared shitless to ask for anything now, for fear of seeming “too needy.” So I’d propose another meta talk, and this time suggest that you have a “too needy safeword,” something you can use when she is genuinely becoming too needy. If she doesn’t hear the word, then she’s not being too needy. That might give her the comfort level to unclench and become more like her old self. And though I’m not privy to the details of how you broached the subject of her being “too needy,” and how well you handled it, I may incur the wrath of some of my Followers by saying you did the right thing in flagging that. There is such a thing as “too needy,” and one has the absolute right to establish limits. You’re not required to martyr yourself in the service of someone who is a gaping bottomless maw of neediness. Now go forward as a team with a plan for how to manage that in a way that strengthens the relationship.
well, I wouldn’t say I’m about to step forward with the wrath of all things holy…but dang! @instructor144 I just disagree so hard about this. I mean, not all of it, not the part of moving forward as a team, and not the part about why she isn’t just gonna get over something like that overnight.
“Too needy” and all host of other hot buttons are things dudes say to submissive women to get them to stop questioning things, to stop slowing shit down in order to actually build trust, to stop asking for more information as we’re getting to know a new D type.
and let’s face it…it’s a damn sloppy and lazy ass short hand to blame a little girl in a daddy/girl relationship for just about everything.
Any issue a sub or little girl brings forward HAS to be evaluated as something by the D type individually, as it’s own separate request. There’s either willingness to honor the request or there isn’t. Own that shit. Period. She isn’t too much of anything. You’re just not willing. And there’s NOTHING wrong with her for wanting. And there’s nothing wrong with you for not being willing. There is something wrong with name-calling instead of saying “no, I’m not willing.”
Also this: calling a sub too needy is just lazy. Did I already say that?
Yes, some s types will test someone with the patience of the dalai lama, and that’s absolutely true. But, really, what the hell are you doing with that person?
And the anon in this case fucked up. Don’t do shit like punishment or name-calling in anger. When you do, and you will, because duh. You’re human. When that happens, just own it and apologize. Like a man. Or a woman. Or a non-binary. You know what I mean…say you’re sorry like a real honorable dominant human!
You know what sociopath men do when they’re emotionally abusing an s type? They convince her that she’s smart, she’s just vetting, she’s doing just grand and is a ton of fun. Then, suddenly they ghost. When we don’t realize we’ve been ghosted, we show up in their texts, their voicemail, etc. We worry they got in a car wreck. Because duh. Things were SO GREAT and SO FUN! Wasn’t that just yesterday, we texted every ten minutes?? Then, they show back up and you know what they do? These abusive sociopath men call us names. Like too needy, and they even have called some of my friends creepy stalkers. For literally texting someone who convinced them they were the best little girl a daddy could ever hope for, right up until they decided to peace out. Then, of course, they were “too needy” and “creepy” and all else.
There is a wonderful piece floating around tumblr somewhere about rephrasing too needy. I can’t recall how it was rephrased. I so wish I could find it now but unfortunately I haven’t been able to. I think it may have been written by the very wise pleasurewhore who we all miss so much. If anyone out there recalls this piece and can find it this would be a great place to repost it.
Although I agree a little with @instructor144 I also think the too needy phrase can be trigger for some subs in fact for most subs. Relationship expectations need to be set in the beginning from both sides of the dynamic. Then if either side is not honoring those expectations it is time to revisit them. Time to see if those expectations still work for both parties. If they don’t maybe it’s time to end things.
Now for the anon who asked the question. It’s ok to think you can’t be everything all the time for someone but to use a phrase that can be, and obviously was one for you sub, is never ok. You messed up apologize and have a serious meta talk about expectations. If she knows what she can expect maybe she will come out of her shell.
The money shot: “Relationship expectations need to be set in the beginning from both sides of the dynamic. Then if either side is not honoring those expectations it is time to revisit them. Time to see if those expectations still work for both parties. If they don’t maybe it’s time to end things.”
The original Anon had every right to feel that their sub was being “too needy.” But that has to be understood as “too needy for me” or “too needy for me right now.” There is no such thing as an absolute when it comes to neediness. Some D types revel in a “needy sub,” while others (I am one, for instance) have a problem with that. So perhaps another way for the Anon to frame it inside their head for their own sanity and self-care is “there is a fundamental incompatibility between the level of attention this person requires and the level of attention I’m willing to provide while still seeing to my own self-care.” I think that’s a fairly non-judgmental way to come at it. Everyone, on both sides of the slash, has the right to make that assessment and make that call. None of us is ever obligated to martyr ourselves in service to another, and anyone who thinks that a D type is obligated to deal with whatever level of neediness a sub brings to the table is mistaken.
I in anger told my sub she’s too needy This was weeks ago She hasn’t asked for anything even after several meta talks but I can tell she isn’t satisfied Help
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Sharp Dressed Dom 