It’s been years
This is not porn or sex related. I don’t care if anyone ever reads this, I just have to get it out. Yesterday someone told me about something that happened to their Little. It brought back a flood of memories that I refuse to think about normally. Things I refuse to really acknowledge. I have no problem telling people what happened to me, but I discuss it in a very clinical way. Not like it is something that completely changed who I am. I’m nothing like the girl I was.
He beat me. If you averaged it out, I was hit almost everyday for almost 3 ½ years. Normally, he was smart about it. Body shots. I could hide those. My arms, legs, chest, and back almost always had bruises. I remember him driving one time, grabbing me by the hair to put me over his lap, and punching me repeatedly in the back to the point i couldn’t breathe. I remember having my head slammed into walls. Or into the floor until I lost consciousness. Can’t see the injuries from that through my hair. I was 8 months pregnant when that one happened. He made me lie when he fucked and ended up giving me black eyes and busted lips. Told me to tell people that I got into a fight with one of his exes. I told some version of this lie repeatedly. Told me if I ever had him arrested, he’d kill me. So I stayed.
Even with all of the physical abuse, it was the emotional and psychological abuse that ruined me. It was worse than any emergency room. Worse than anytime he raped me or scared me. Every single day, I was told how stupid, ugly and fat I was. Before I met him, I was pretty confident with myself. I was/am no beauty but I was definitely cute. I weighed a little over 100 lbs and was in great shape. But within a year he broke me. I believed every bit of it. He made me believe that I really was stupid. That I couldn’t survive with out him because I was too dumb to even tie my shoes without him. His nickname for me was heifer. In public he called me that constantly. Made me believe that no one would ever love someone like me. I was broken. I stayed.
I’ll be clear, I never ever thought I deserved what he did to me. I never loved him. Before he broke me down completely, I stayed because I didn’t know how to leave. He kept my car. Took my money. He had isolated me from my friends. My parents had kicked me out. Everytime he hit me, I KNEW it was not my fault. I just had no where to go. So I stayed.
It’s been well over a decade since the last time he put his hands on me. But the nightmares are back. The anxiousness is back. The self loathing is back. I pretend it’s ok. But I don’t think I’ll ever permanently bury those memories.
I’m not looking for sympathy or attention. I won’t discuss this with people in my real life because it would ruin the facade I put up. So on my blog it goes.
So I got an ask last night that reminded me of a horrible incident from my past. My ex had assaulted me with a flashlight. I had honestly forgotten all about it until that ask. When I responded I didn’t think anything of it. Hours later I was lying awake remembering what happened. The pain. The humiliation.
I checked my asks again. I had a message from a follower horrified that people would hit like on it. I decided to pay a visit to her blog before I responded. She had been through her own pain. She was still struggling to be ok. My first instinct was to try and assure her it would be okay. But it’s hard to be okay again
In my need to distance myself from what I have been through, I never really think about all of the others who have been through the same. When I posted this originally it was just a way for me to get it out of my head. The response I received was overwheling. So many that had experiences of their own. So many still struggling. I don’t struggle much anymore. I have buried it and ignore it as much as I can. I’m not strong. Those that face it and deal with it are the strong ones. And for that you have my utmost respect.
Hopefully one day we will all be better. Every demon in our heads will finally rest. I’ll no longer flinch when a man gets angry around me. No longer hear his voice explaining how unlovable I am. All will be quiet and calm.
I’m re-sharing my story for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Too many people, male or female, are forced to endure abuse. Yes, there is the option to leave, but sometimes from within the relationship you cannot see the option. I was a lucky one. I got away without any serious physical damage. Too many individuals do not.
Sharing this powerful message.
You nailed it regarding why so many stay in an abusive relationship. More often than not it’s not the feeling they deserve it, but they have no place to go. To that I say, find someone one, find an outreach program. You always have options. You just can’t see them at the moment
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you may find internal peace. You are a brave and amazing person
Sharp Dressed Dom 