Denial vs. Orgasm

littlemisssubshine:

Every time I have an orgasm, I need to make a decision as to whether I want to continue with denial, take a break, or if I’m finished with it once and for all.

The longer I stay in denial, the more I want to stop and just cum over and over for the rest of my life. Because I work myself up, and I edge, and I dangle the carrot of intense pleasure and release. I build up this orgasmic goal in my mind, and my body is right there with me.

But then I have the orgasm, and it reaffirms what I already know but may have chosen to ignore: edging is better, denial is better.

Now you might be thinking, no way. I orgasm regularly and it’s fucking amazing. I’d never give it up… For you, maybe. And of course it’s amazing, it’s an orgasm. And that’s how I used to be too. I use to cum at least once a day until I tried edging and denial.

But there’s a big difference in how I feel during and after:

When you are practicing orgasm denial, while edging, it’s pleasure pleasure pleasure PLEASURE… full stop. Oh please please I want more!…. Fine, *deep breath*, oh God I’m so tingly… I could keep going forever. I could clean up but I’m so turned on still, I know I’ll just be wet again in a minute. My clit feels so sensitive and aroused. I’m going to plug myself and go do laundry while I watch more porn. I can’t wait until my next edge.

When you allow yourself to orgasm, it’s pleasure pleasure pleasure PLEASURE, keep going over the top…. omg… WOW! OMG WOW! Wow… Uh… Ok stop. Stop! Bad bad bad stop! *deep breath* Mmmm, relax. Ugh, turn that porn off, now. My clit is so sensitive now it’s almost sore. Don’t touch me. I guess I’ll clean up and… Do laundry… 

Granted when I’m with Rb, and he gives me the orgasm, there are always sweet cuddles and aftercare. But there is still that moment when my mind reads the signals from my clit up to my head as bad. There is a moment that the orgasm turns on me, and goes from pleasure to sharp sensitivity that needs to stop. Even when I wasn’t practicing denial.

After a lengthy time of being in denial, I usually spend the next day or so giving myself orgasms, typically in ways I’ve been fantasizing about while denied. But they never fully satisfy me, and I get sore quickly. I can edge many times a day and still want more, but 3 orgasms, even spread out over the day, leave me feeling tender and a bit raw. (Sometimes I wonder if this is because I deny myself so long, but I haven’t tested that theory)

Mentally, I start to feel disconnected from my body. I don’t want to touch myself anywhere, I don’t absentmindedly play with my nipples, I don’t feel sexy all the time. I get bored of orgasms very, very quickly. I miss my edging, I miss my arousal, I miss banking up days in denial. I miss feeling sexually adventurous (the orgasms kill my arousal and I don’t even want to think about sex, let alone explore the depths of Tumblr kinks).

So no matter how much I think I want to end denial and begin orgasms, I’m quickly becoming a lifer. It’s the epitome of that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”. Orgasms seem more desirable until I’m having them. But that’s a good thing, because it means that denial will never get stale if I have a goal of eventually getting that orgasm, and once I get them, they will help reaffirm why I love denial. Win win.