This meme came across my dash earlier. I saw it a few years ago while in the midst of a silent treatment and it resonated. At that point, I was married to an emotionally abusive narcissist. I am hoping that by sharing this,” Doms” who choose to use this method will understand how harmful it is.
My silent treatment began as a result of my Dr. putting me on bedrest at 6 months pregnant. I won’t bore you with the episode that led to the treatment, but from that moment until I left a year and a half later, the only words he spoke to me were because he absolutely had to. (For instance, people were around, or he needed information he couldn’t otherwise do without) We lived in the same house, ate meals together, etc. but he wouldn’t look at me, or speak to me. This wasn’t the first time I had gotten the silent treatment. In the past, it had really hurt. This time… was different. This time, I was thankful. It meant I didn’t have to hear his negativity, his criticisms and put downs. I didn’t have to hear how everything was my fault. No more crazy gas lighting. In this year and a half…. I got stronger. I stopped caring about what he thought, or even what he wanted. For someone with a submissive personality, who lives to serve and please others, to stop caring…. that takes a lot. I formed a plan to escape, and I did. Wasn’t as smooth as I’d hoped, but I left. I never once regretted walking away from him. There was a moment when watching my children hurt over being bounced back and forth that I wondered if it was right… but even then, I didn’t regret leaving.
The custody battle was hell…. I felt very weak, but looking back, I do realize the strength it took. Not only to leave, but to fight. Long before I left, I learned how to live without him.
You may be thinking, I am not abusive. Maybe you would never give the silent treatment for more than a few days. Maybe you don’t feel you are otherwise abusive, and maybe you aren’t. Maybe you simply don’t understand what the silent treatment does.
In the beginning.. it is crushing. There is no punishment bigger than knowing you’ve disappointed the one you love. So just the idea that you’ve hurt or angered someone enough that they feel the need to further crush you by ignoring you.. feels devastating. She may even believe she deserves it. Which honestly is just worse. It reinforces an idea that she (or he, using female pronouns because that’s what applies to me) is worthless. I will assume at the very least, that if you have entered into a power exchange relationship, (or ANY kind of relationship) that there is genuine care and concern for the person who has put their life and well being into your hands. If the weight of that doesn’t convince you of the seriousness of this talk, please relinquish the title of Dom. Why would you want anyone to feel worthless? What infraction could possibly warrant making someone feel they have no value?
Once the crushing period is over, the next phase is numbness. If you continue to dish this out as punishment, she will get a point where she closes part of herself off. This should never be a goal for a Dom. In order for her brain to come to terms with the abusive behavior, she has to disconnect from her feelings about what is happening. If your relationship wasn’t in trouble before, it’s in serious trouble now. She no longer feels emotionally safe with you, even if she doesn’t understand yet that is what is happening. She is more likely to hide things from you. Not out of rebellion or disobedience, but out of emotional fear. Many subs will walk away before it gets to this point, and they should. There will be those that stay for one reason or another. Just because they are still there, doesn’t mean it is healthy.
The last phase, is where it starts to strengthen her. You’ve taught her how to live without you. There will come a point where she realizes, that emotionally, she is already alone and can’t count on you. She’ll eventually figure out any other obstacles that may keep her there, finances or what not. Do you want to be the guy that puts her through any of these phases? Can you look in the mirror knowing you made someone feel like this and still think of yourself as a good guy? Would you stay with a sub who periodically felt you didn’t deserve her attention? Do you want to be the reason someone in the future feels it’s important to write a blog about guys who administer the silent treatment?
Do you think it would be ok for a man to treat your mother, or daughter that way? Not that it should take that to understand how abusive it is, it shouldn’t, but if that’s the way this hits home to you, then think of it in those terms. Do you want anyone to make your daughter feel worthless and unlovable? A punishment should better your sub, not make her need therapy.
Please… just stop.
@masterandslave left this comment. “How about you let people and their dynamics choose to operate the way they want to? Quit labelling something as abusive that works well for some. Not talking to a person for a day does none of the things you describe. Even a week would not. Learn to self sooth.“
I have too much to add to simply reply in comments, so I’ll reply this way. First off, back atcha. If you don’t like my post, you can choose to leave it alone. You didn’t so I have to assume you think that only applies to others and not yourself.
Second, and far more importantly. Unless you have science or something better than your opinion and assumption then you opinion doesn’t hold any weight against my experience. I call it abusive because it is. I’ve probably heard from more than a 1000 people since posting this about how damaging just a day or a week was. And I am just a little blog with limited exposure. Choosing to use the silent treatment and not be open to the possibility you are wrong, says way more about you than it does me.
Thirdly… since I brought up science.. Let me throw some links your way so you can educate yourself.
I am also going to tag @submissive-seeking, @natural-alpha and @submissvedreamer if she is around. As medical and clinical practitioners, they are far better than I am at explaining science.
Using the silent treatment is passive aggressive and cowardly. Justifying using it despite evidence of it harmfulness… that’s on you. Feel free to spread whatever misinformation you want on your own blog. But I have an obligation to my followers to highlight how damaging this is.
Sharp Dressed Dom 